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[00:00:24] Speaker B: Well, good morning, everybody. We're in a series called Healthy. This is our series that will carry us through the spring, right on up until Easter. Now, for the past several weeks, we've been talking about healthy hearts, the significance of our heart being in a good place, our heart being in a healthy place. And we covered what the heart is. As you may recall, we said the heart involves your will and your mind and your emotions. And then we talked about how do you deal with the anger of the heart? How do you get that stuff out of your system so that your heart can be pure, it can function as it should, can function with unction. And we want you to have a healthy heart because everything begins and ends with the heart. The Bible said, out of the heart flow all of the issues of life. So if our heart isn't in a good place, nothing else is going to be in the right place. So we wanted to start there. And then last weekend, as you recall, we had my good friend Dusty Tutnus, who was here to share how God is using the disciplines of his life that has bettered his career, made him the top of what he does. And I hope you enjoyed hearing Dusty's testimony last weekend. And this morning, I want to move into the next section of our series by talking about healthy homes and how every one of us, we are interested in our homes being healthy and what does that look like? And so we're going to, over the next few weeks, be talking about the various aspects that make up a healthy home. The Bible says in the 127th Psalm that unless the Lord builds the house, the ones who are working to build that house will labor in vain. In other words, we're three steps forward and two steps back. If God doesn't help us in that exercise of building a house and building a home. And so we're going to talk about how do you incorporate God into every aspect of your family life? And then I want your family life to be healthy. A little girl was playing out in the lobby after a service one day. I was out there talking to people between services, and she was running. I saw her. She ran by me. She was running. This little boy was chasing after her, and she ran up and kind of grabbed ahold of me. Like I'm base, right? So she grabbed ahold of me and she said, he won't quit chasing me. He's chasing me everywhere, and he won't stop chasing me. And I had this epiphany. You know, every now and then when you have these. One of these dad moments or granddad moments where you just have this word of wisdom that kind of hits your heart. And I looked at her and I said, well, you know, how, why? You know, what will make him stop chasing you? She said, what? I said, quit running.
He will not know what to do with you when he catches you. And I thought about that. I said, well, we call that dating for a period of time, and then it's called marriage. What are you gonna do now that you've caught them, right? And that's where we need some help. And I hope I can help you with a few things and give you some things to work on a little bit as we talk about this idea of having healthy homes. Now, this weekend, we really wanna focus on healthy marriages. Talking about how to make our marriages, the relationships we have with our sp, how we can make that relationship even better. Now, I will tell you. God designed us for relationship where you are single or whether you are married. We are designed for relationship. In Romans, chapter 14 and verse 7, the Bible says, none of us live to ourselves alone. None of us die to ourselves alone. Meaning that God designed you and I to have a relationship with one another. And we are to have relationships because we are healthier when we are together. The Bible talks about in Ecclesiastes that the cord of three strands is much stronger. And then he goes on to talk about if one person falls, he has someone to help them back to their feet. And then he says, but woe is to the one. Our trouble is coming to the one if they fall and they don't have anyone to help them back up to their feet. So this idea that we are better together, this idea that we are built for relationship, is really taught in the Bible. And nothing is more evident of that when you talk about the relationship of marriage. Someone said the difference between a boyfriend and a husband is about 50 pounds. And I think that that might be true. I read an interesting article. An anthropologist said that marriage, in their mind, comes about after thousands of years of interpersonal relationships, evolving social skills, and out of necessity, marriage became what we have it to be today. Now, that's according to anthropologists, which I don't buy that at all when I look into the Bible. The Bible says marriage is something that started within the heart of God. And by the way, when you see the text that I want to give you in Genesis 2:24, you understand that God instituted marriage before sin ever enters the picture. Sin enters the picture in Genesis 3. And God introduced the concept of marriage in Genesis 2. And so the Bible says in Genesis 2, verse 24, take a look at this. Therefore, a man will leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they too shall become one flesh. So there is a leaving and there is a cleaving and there is a receiving. There is something that is powerful and dynamic about a marriage and something even more powerful and dynamic about a healthy marriage. Unfortunately, a lot of marriages have this kind of a cycle. They start out as an ideal, they become an ordeal, and you start looking for a new deal.
And they. They have that kind of life cycle. And so I want you, wherever you are in your marriage, to put a pause in it and start thinking about how can I make our marriage better? How can we make this marriage more effective? I heard about a pastor who was visiting a fourth grade class in Sunday school, and he was talking about marriage. The church was doing a series on the subject. So he goes into these fourth graders and he asked the question, what does God say about marriage? And this little boy shot his hand up in the air and he says, the Bible says, father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
And I thought that's probably sadly and unfortunately pretty close to the truth. We really don't know a lot about what we're doing in these relationships called marriage. And one of the dynamics of a healthy marriage is trying to understand how we are misunderstood. Because God has created us very unique. He's created us very different. In fact, in Genesis 1, verse 27, the Bible says God created man in his own image. We talk about the imago dei, the image of God. We're created in the image of God, he says, in the image of God. He created them male and female. He created them. So God made men and women. He made them equal, he made them different, and he made them distinctive. And let me talk about the differences for a moment, the obvious differences. And I will tell you this. Men are superior to women at being men, and women are superior to men at being women. We are unique, we are equal, and we are very, very different. Blue and pink are equal in the colors of the spectrum, but blue and pink are very Different. And the reason I'm putting this on the front end of what I want to talk to you about is simply this. If you don't see your mate as being different, you will see them as being defeated, effective. And it's important that you see God has created your spouse to be equal, but to be different and to be very, very distinctive. And so God designed these differences to complement each other, not to compete with one another. And I will say this at the beginning of the marriage, that no person can complete another person. I said, he made us to compliment one another, not to compete with one another, but he didn't design us to complete one another. Here's what I mean by that. If you're looking for someone to complete you, there's not a person on the planet that can make you whole. God designed us to be complete in and of ourselves with our relationship with God. That's why we started with the heart. I am to be healthy emotionally. I am to be healthy physically as much as I can. And I am to be healthy spiritually as much as I can. And if I am a whole person, I bring so much more into a relationship as a whole person than a half person looking to my spouse to make me complete. They don't have enough emotional energy to fill that area of your life emotionally that you're lacking in. They cannot complete you spiritually in the sense that Cindy always prayed for me, but she could not do the praying for me. I had to be spiritual in and of myself. It's one thing to pray for your spouse, but you can't make your spouse spiritual. You can pray that they'll be more spiritual, but you can't force that on them. They have to be complete emotionally. They have to be complete physically. They have to be complete spiritually as a whole person. By the way, the beautiful thing about being a whole person, we get the idea of integrity from that. What is an integer class? An integer, as you remember in school, is a whole number. And so we get the idea of integrity from that word, integer, meaning a whole person. So you have to be whole and wholesome and complete with integrity as an individual. Now, when you bring that into a marriage and you bring that healthiness into a relationship, you have something dynamic that's going on in that relationship. But when you look at someone, what was the movie where he looks at her and says, you complete me. It's very romantic, but it's crazy. She didn't complete him, and he did not complete her. 2 half people will not make a whole person 2 whole, healthy people make a whole wholesome relationship. Now, that's important as I go into this, because sometimes we are praying for our spouse to change when the change needs to happen within our own life. And when the change happens within you, have you ever thought about this? The best way to get your spouse to change is you change. Because when you change, you'll give your spouse someone different to respond to.
If responding to them in a way you've been responding to them isn't getting you anywhere, then as Dr. Phil says, well, how's that working for you? I mean, you might be open to changing. And you might be saying, instead of praying for her to change or for him to change, why don't I begin praying, God, change me, change my heart, help me to be a wholesome, healthy person of integrity. And in changing me, I give them someone different to respond to. And so healthy people make a healthy relationship. And that's important. As we begin talking about this very important topic, how that we are equal, we are distinctive, we're different, and when we are healthy, we can come into a relationship at a much greater and more powerful way. It's interesting because in First Peter, chapter three, verse seven, the scripture says, men, live with your wife according to knowledge. And it's interesting that he's speaking to the men here, and it's interesting what he says to the men, men, live with your wife according to knowledge. Now, how I interpret that, and it's open to interpretation, but how I interpret that is we men need help to know how to live with our wives. Brother needs some help. We need to live with our wife according to knowledge. We don't naturally know how to do this. And so we have to understand how we may be being misunderstood. And so we need information.
I read books. In fact, we've done seminars in days gone by of the works of two men who listened to women and then wrote great books about having healthy marriages. One of the men is named Willard Harley. And Willard has written a book called His Needs, Her Needs. Many of you may be familiar with it. If you're not, I recommend that. It's a great book. Cindy and I knew this couple and had been to one of their seminars in years gone by, and it's really a great study. And in this book, Willard Harley talks about his needs, her Needs. He says, your heart and your spouse's heart is like a love bank. And if you don't make deposits into that love bank on a daily basis, it isn't just a matter of time until you'll Be overdrawn. And so you need to be making daily deposits into the love bank that is the heart of your spouse. Because if you're not making daily deposits, you are gonna be making daily withdrawals. And then he suggests some of the ways in which you pour. Pour into your spouse. He talks about time spending time with them. He talks about the words we say to them. He talks about the gifts that we might give them. He talks about the acts of service that we might do for them. He's saying that all of those little things are deposits into the heart of your spouse. For example, men respond very well, ladies, to compliments. We love to be bragged on. There's something about the male ego that loves to be bragged on. So it may be a little thing, but the next time you see your husband take the trash to the curb, brag on him.
Just go, hercules, Hercules. You know, something like that. You know, just look out there and go, wow, look at. Honey, are you working out?
I'm just saying when you lift that trash bag, I saw something here. I saw something here. A little. A little something something. Little muscle thing going on. Have you been lifting weights? And I didn't. You know what he'll do if you brag on him for taking the trash? He'll look for trash to take to the curb. He'll start, what else do you need me to carry, baby? You need something else to handle. I can handle that around. Right, because there's something. Well, what is that? That is just a small deposit in the love bank.
And to brag on your spouse, you say, honey, I just want to tell you, you're so great with these kids. I don't know how. I don't know how you handle everything. You handle. You do it so well. And I'm just. I just want to tell you for what it's worth. Oh, my gosh. You talk about a bouquet of flowers you've just given that girl. You. What you've done is you've. You've made a deposit in that love bank, and you're going to be taking some withdrawals. So you got to make the deposit. So I'm saying it's not rocket science. We actually knew how to do this when we were dating. Right? When we were dating. We really did all of those things. And we did those things really well. It's just. Men are wired. I'll speak for a minute. Men are wired more that once we've got the conquest, we got the relationship, the marriage, we're committed. I got that Done. Men if you're not careful, we want to move on to the next challenge. I got the marriage. We're good. Got the family's good. Now I'm moving on to the next thing. We're kind of wired that way, and we forget that. Well, we have to nurture the thing that we've conquered or the thing. That's a bad word. The thing that we've acquired.
Yeah, it's like a caveman dragon. I got her. You know? No, I don't mean it that way, girls. I'm just saying, once we won your heart over, we have to continue to do the things that we did to win your heart over. That's all I'm saying. And we tend to. In our defense, we tend to assume that all of those things are going to maintain themselves without us giving attention to it. And before you know it, it's not intentional, but it's just a slow drift. And that happens a lot in our relationship with God. You see, how the devil works in a relationship is he doesn't fill our hearts with hatred of God, and he doesn't fill your heart with hatred of your spouse. He fills our heart initially with forgetfulness of God, with neglect of our spouse. And before we know it, we're just neglecting some things that we needed to neglect. And I've talked to you before about how we'll use weights. We'll say, wait, we'll get to this. I need a little longer wait. We'll do a date night. I know we haven't gone out, just you and I, away from the kids in a long, long time. You know, since the Cowboys were in the Super Bowl. Well, no, not that long. You weren't even born then. But the point is.
But the point is, you know, you want to say, honey, I know we haven't gone out in a long, long time. I get that. I understand that. But wait, we'll get to it. I got a lot on my plate. Wait, and what the problem with weights, w a I t become w e I g h t. Before long, the weights become weights. And when you are putting that on your spouse. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And it isn't long until she's struggling to carry the weight. And it isn't long until these weights become so heavy that she can't carry them anymore. Now, no one sees and no one hears when you're putting the weights on, but when you drop the weights, everyone sees that, and everyone hears that. And I speak that mainly to the men, because I'm coming From that perspective. Right. I understand that better. And I've talked to a lot of people. I'm not a counselor. Like I've told you, I play one on the weekends. I'm not one, but I talk to people about their spiritual lives. And when I assess, this is getting more into a situation where they need some counseling. I have some great counselors in our church that we can refer people to that are relational experts. And I can tell you, for a lot of men, when we're being told this is too much weight, sometimes we don't hear it until the weights hit the floor. And when the weights hit the floor, that is. That is defined by the Samsonites are at the front door, and she's gone. Then we go, do we have a problem?
And she looks as if to say, are you kidding me right now? I've been telling you for so long, there are too many weights. And so I'm just saying, to your heart, these things have to be addressed every day. We have to make these deposits. So Willard Harley has that great book. And then behind him came a guy named Gary Chapman who talked about love languages. Maybe you're familiar with that concept. And in his book, he says, everyone has a love language. You have something that speaks to you. Some of you respond well to acts of service. Some of you respond well to a note, a sweet note. Some of you respond to a gift, like flowers do it for you, or something very sweet, maybe a trip, a little surprise getaway. But everyone has a love language, something that speaks to your spouse. So if you don't know what that love language is, first of all, pick up his resource. It's a great book. Gary's in heaven now, but he's got a great book, and it will help you understand how you may be being misunderstood. And you can begin to communicate with each other because you understand what kind of deposits can be placed in the love bank or in the love tank so I don't end up making withdrawals and end up being overdrawn in my relationship. And let me say this one more thing before I won't get to the heart of this and we'll go home.
Having a baby will not fix a bad marriage. Can I put that out there? Having a baby will not fix a bad marriage. I've talked to a lot of couples, and they feel like, well, we're in a very bad place in our relationship, so we're gonna have a baby, and that'll fix it. And I'm always like, having a baby is a beautiful thing. Having A baby's a wonderful thing. In fact, if you've noticed, you really can't even sing up here unless you're having a baby that's now a prerequisite. Girl. So none of you girls, you say, I ain't trying out. I am going. Not going. No, I'm not going on that stage. But I've just. I. That. I just threw that in there. Sorry, Ellie.
Sorry, Ashley. Just kidding. But the point I'm. But the point I'm making is. What was the point I was making? Oh, the point I'm making.
If your relationship is not in a good place, don't bring a baby into that. Because here's what you will inevitably do. You will inevitably put all of that energy that could be going into each other. You'll put it into the child, and you'll neglect each other until the child is at a certain age. And I can't tell you how many kids have gone off to college and have come home on their first spring break and returned to college to say, mom and dad sat us down and told us that now that we're grown and now that we're on our own, they are splitting up. Because so much energy went into the kids and so much energy went. And I understand Cindy and I raised two kids. I get the energy. It takes a lot of energy. But I'm saying you have to get healthy in your marriage if you're going to be a healthy parent. And so I'm suggesting to your heart that if you feel like our marriage is not in a good place and a child will fix it, trust me, that is not the way to go about it. Focus on your relationship first. Are in the midst of it, or while you are doing that, work on your relationship. Get into a good place, a strong place, before that child enters the picture. Now, let me give you three great words that I think will help you at any level. This is great for just relationships, but it's particularly great for marriage relationships. Three great words that will help strengthen the relationship. First word, biblical word, companionship. If you're going to have a healthy marriage, you have to see your role and see her role as companions, your companions. Ecclesiastes 9, verse 9. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of your life. If I were giving you a subtitle under that point, I would say it begins with camaraderie. Camaraderie. You're friends. You learn how to be friends. You ought to enjoy being with your spouse more than you enjoy being with anyone else. Now Understand, you keep friendships through relationships. And some of you are blessed to have guy friends and girlfriends. You have a girl's night out, a guy's night. I get all that. I'm not against any of that. I'm just saying your best friend in all the world needs to be your spouse. That needs to be the person that you share your heart with, the person that. That's your safe person. And you need to make them feel that you feel that way by them as well. And to have a healthy relationship, there needs to be camaraderie. The Bible uses this word to describe that kind of relationship. In 1st Peter3.7, he talks about it being a relationship that honors one another. What does the word honor mean? You hear the verse, honor your father and mother. What does that word mean? The word honor means you give weight to that person. In other words, another way of putting that is you consider their opinion heavier than anyone else's opinion. What does your spouse have to say? How many times before you made a decision have you said, let me talk to my wife about that? If you're a smart man, you will.
Or the wife may say, let me check with my husband about that. We make these decisions like that. That's. That's what the Bible You're. What are you doing when you're doing that? You're honoring them. You're. You're giving weight to their opinion. You're saying, we are in this together. And so as my comrade, as my companion, I'm going to consider your opinion heavier than the opinions of anyone else. More than my girlfriends or my guy friends. I consider that. That's why in Proverbs 18:22, the Bible says, so a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. Now, notice what he didn't say. He didn't say, a man who finds a woman finds a good thing. Why is it worded that way? Because every woman may not be a great wife, every woman may not be a great mother. And let me flip the script. Every man may not be a good husband, and every man may not be a good father. And so really, what Proverbs is drawing at is when you're looking for that intimate relationship with someone, when you're looking at a companion, someone who'd be a comrade, someone to share your life with, someone that you are man. You. You want to do this. Make sure not only are they a good man or a good woman, make sure they'll make a good husband or a good wife and potentially a good dad or a good mom. All of that goes into that calculation. All of that goes into that, into that consideration. And there's many in the room that would certainly agree with me who ended up finding out the hard way that what they, you know, they dated someone's agent, not the person. And once they married the person, they said, this is not good. And so I'm saying the thing that ought to underscore these relationships is there ought to be camaraderie. In fact, the second thing I would give you is not only camaraderie. This is all under companionship, but also there ought to be communion. There ought to be a sense of intimacy. Intimacy, a connection on a deeper level with a person. And I don't just mean physically. I mean emotionally and spiritually. There should be intimacy. A great way to look at intimacy is break the word apart and say it this way. Into me, I see. Into me, I see. Intimacy is looking into someone and seeing who they really are, seeing their heart, knowing who they are. And this is how you know if you're doing that, right?
If someone came to you ladies, and said, your husband said this, this, and this, and initially it was something kind of bad, and you would probably stop them and say, now tell me exactly, not just again, what he said, but tell me how he said that. And they said, well, he said boom, boom, boom. And these are the words he used. You would know immediately if that sounded like him or on the other way, if it sounded like her. Because you know them, you're in an intimate relationship, and you would know immediately. First of all, they would never say that. And if they said that, they would never say that that way, right? Because you know them. Same thing with your kids. Somebody can bring something about your kid. You go, whoa, what? They did what? And they said what? You know why? Because you were on a relationship with them, you are in a relationship with them at a deeper level. And you know, just not only how they say things, but. But you know what they say.
That's why that psalms that I've told you about, where the Bible says, God will guide you with his eye, meaning that he has such a relationship with his kids that just a look can move them. And when you have a relationship with your spouse, they can just shoot you a look and you'll know this is not good or this is great. And you just know by that look. What is that? It's communion. It's intimacy. So camaraderie, there's communion. The third word I'd give you under this is is a co worker. They are a co laborer One of the words used to describe a partner in a marriage relationship is a helper, help meet, meaning someone that comes alongside of you and actually helps you. Proverbs 2, verse 17 refers to the marriage person as a partner. In song of Solomon 5:16, Solomon speaks of that person as being a friend. And so in this, you see this idea of companionship. Here's second word. Not only there needs to be companionship, there needs to be communication. There needs to be really good communication in a healthy relationship. James 1:19. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. Let's break that apart. Quick to listen. Tune in. Tune in, meaning that I am going to listen to you, not only just with my ears, I'm going to listen at you with my eyes. This is active listening. You've heard of that term, right? That means that for some of us who tend to jump and move forward quickly, we have to come back and reiterate what we think we just heard them say.
Sometimes in a relationship, particularly in conflict, when you are not agreeing on a subject, what you need to do is say, am I hearing you correctly? And repeat what they just said. What you said was this. Did I understand that correctly? Psychologists will tell people that if you can get someone to talk about what they think about, if they can talk about what they think about, a lot of times they won't even believe what they've heard themselves say. Now it's good to get it out. And sometimes in a relationship and you're angry with someone, what's in that heart comes right out. Matthew 12:34, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. I've told you, what's in the well comes up in the bucket. And sometimes what comes out isn't real sanctified, and it's not very sanitized, but it is what it is. It is what's in the heart and that needs to come out. And sometimes in a healthy relationship, in conflict resolution, you have to have active listening to be certain you've heard them say what they have just said. And that's important. Even though they may not believe what they just said, it's important that you let them have the space to say that that's significant in a relationship. Another thing I'd say before I move off of that, you have to remember to attack the problem and not the person. So when you're dealing with this, don't go after each other. Stay on topic, stay on the problem. Your problem is not with her, your problem is not with him. Your Problem is with the issue that has brought this together. So attack the problem, not the person. So that's important. And so you have to tune in. You have to be sensitive. Somebody said that we only catch about 20% of what we hear anyway.
That makes my job more challenging on the weekend because we don't take away everything. We hear me say, we take away certain parts. Someone said preaching is simply defined this way. You tell people what you're going to tell them, then you tell them, and then you tell them what you've told them. And that's as simple as it can be. And in a relationship that you almost boil it down in those simple terms, good communication. That's why it says in Revelation 2. Seven, he who has ears to hear, let them hear. What the Spirit says to the church. What's implied in that is everyone who has ears don't hear. And if you have children, you know that's true. You ever seen them on their little devices or you see them in front of the TV and you talk to them and they go, uh huh. And you know they did not hear you. There's nothing wrong with those little boogers hearing. They can hear fine. There's a difference between hearing you and listening to you. And in a relationship it's important that we not only hear them, but that we listen to them. So the first thing that he says in James is, be quick to listen. So tune in. Here's the second part of that verse. Slow to speak. I would interpret that as saying, tone down.
Tune in. Tone down. They say there are four different levels of communication. The first level is the trivial level. That's the level where you just engage someone. How are you? Nice to see you. Beautiful day. Hope you're doing great. That's trivial. That's the first level. The second is a factual level. That's where you're giving people facts and you're sharing with them information. That's a different level. It's a little deeper than trivial. The third level is an intellectual level. That's where you're connecting with someone intellectually, where you find that you have something in common with that person. You have a mutual interest. And so you're talking about that interest. Should Luke have been traded? I think it was a terrible mistake. Whatever, you know, you're, you're, you're connecting with them on an intellectual. Just make sure you're still awake. Stay with me. And then the fourth level is the feeling level. That's the deepest level. That's where the intimacy happens. That's where there's some vulnerability can happen because you're definitely sharing your heart. And so the second challenge I would give you is not only tune in, but to tone down the third one. He said, be slow to become angry. I would give it to you this way. Sweeten up.
So tune in. Tone down, sweeten up. Be slow to become angry. Be careful not to let the things he says or she says make you mad. Don't let that be. Your initial reaction is anger. So be slow to became to become angry. So we have it. Companionship, communication. Here's the third one. We'll go home. Commitment. And I'm not saying one is more important than the other, but let me tell you something. This is significant commitment. The Bible says back in our text, in Genesis 2, verse 24, the latter part of that, the Bible says they will become one flesh. It is the idea that they are melded together, they are welded together. They are a part of one another.
That is that. That takes some time in order to do that. And the greatest key to making that happen is commitment. I've told you before, and boy, it bears repeating again. Love will not keep you together.
I don't care what Captain and Tennille said.
That's a song. Kids Google that.
When I was a teenager, it was a song and they said, love will keep us together. Whatever the weather, you know. Anyway, that's not true. Love will not keep you. You better have something strong. You know it'll keep you together. Cause love will get strong in a relationship. It'll get weak in a relationship. If you've been married more than a minute, you know that there are times when you don't really like you. You may love them, but you don't like them. And there's times when you're just not gonna get along. And love will get strong in certain seasons and it'll get weaker in other seasons. That's why you gotta work on having a healthy relationship. But what keeps you there through every season is your commitment. You're just committed to each other. I mean, there's a reason I married this girl. There's a reason I married this guy. And let me also say this, one person can't make that work.
If your spouse isn't equally committed to you as you are to them, it doesn't matter how much commitment you have. The relationship probably isn't gonna work.
And I'm just saying that all you can do is take care of you. But for you, and I'm speaking to you now, I'm saying just be committed I joked about people would say, how do you and Cindy stay together for 42 years before she went to heaven? I always joke and say, always told her, if she ever leaves me, I'm going with her.
There's something about a level of commitment that will bring you through hard times. And commitment is so, so important. Let me give you three dos and three don'ts and we go home. I'll go do these quick. Number one, don't practice avoidance. Don't practice. Be committed to not practicing avoidance. Meaning thinking the problem that you're having will fix itself and, and will go away on its own. Don't practice avoidance.
All burying that thing is going to do is allow it to simmer and smolder and eventually it's going to blow up. So don't practice avoidance. Number two, don't practice appeasement. Don't always give in. Don't always go along to get along because eventually you're gonna resent yourself for doing that. And so many times to keep the awkward communication from happening, you just go with the flow and you just say, this is not fixed, but I'm just gonna go with it. Cause I don't wanna have to deal with it. And you practice appeasement and eventually you're gonna resent your partner more because you're not dealing with it. And you've just said, I don't upset him or upset her. You haven't dealt with the problem and you practice appeasement. And that's not a healthy way to handle a marriage. And the third don't is don't practice aggression. Whether it is passive aggression or active aggression. Sarcasm won't fix it. The Bible talks about in James, chapter 1:20. The wrath of a person doesn't bring about the righteousness of God. So don't practice aggression. But in place of the don'ts, let me give you the do's instead. Do practice accommodation. Accommodation, meaning that saying, as I said earlier in the message, I'm going to be the first one to be willing to change in this relationship. I'm going to get myself healthy. I want to be sure that I'm reacting but not overreacting. Am I in a good place? How am I receiving this and interpreting what he's saying or what he's doing or what she's saying or what she's doing. Am I in a healthy place? So I'm gonna practice accommodation. I'm gonna be willing to be the first person in the relationship to change. Number two, practice acceptance. Be willing to accept each other. Remember they're unique, they're different, and they're equal. The thing that attracted you to that person may be the thing now that is repelling you from that person.
A lot of funny things come to mind. One of the things would be when you were dating and you would go to this restaurant and you thought it was cute when she couldn't make up her mind what she wanted to order. Isn't that adorable? Look at her. She doesn't know, you know, we're at.
[00:36:39] Speaker C: Jyoti's and she's won egg rolls.
[00:36:42] Speaker B: Baby, they don't have egg rolls. This is Jyoti's.
[00:36:45] Speaker C: You know that, right? Okay.
[00:36:47] Speaker B: Isn't that cute? Isn't she adorable? But after you've been married a while and you go say Joe T's, or you go to babes and she's, you.
[00:36:55] Speaker C: Know, she's ordering a cheeseburger, you go, honey, this is fried chicken and chicken fried steak.
[00:37:00] Speaker B: And as you've been married a little while, and she does that, you go.
[00:37:03] Speaker C: For the love of God, honey, how.
[00:37:07] Speaker B: Many times have we been here?
You cannot make it. You knew where we were going when.
[00:37:13] Speaker C: We left the house.
[00:37:15] Speaker B: You've had all this time to think about what you wanted to eat, and you cannot make. What am I. What am I saying? That's why I said a lot of things come to mind.
Realize that what you thought was cute at one point now is running you crazy. So you have to practice acceptance. Because she's looking at you like, where'd this come from? I thought you used to think that was cute, right? So you got to remember, you know, you're the one that got yourself into this thing. So practice acceptance, accommodation, third one. Practice adjustment. Being willing to adjust to one another.
[00:37:45] Speaker C: Is so important in a relationship.
[00:37:47] Speaker B: Cause the relationship will grow. You're changing, she's changing.
[00:37:51] Speaker C: Circumstances are changing.
[00:37:53] Speaker B: You're not dating at this level. You're not a young married couple now. You're not new parents now. There's seasons in a relate, and those are great.
[00:38:01] Speaker C: It's great to go through different seasons in life.
[00:38:04] Speaker B: Some of you grandparents in the room.
[00:38:06] Speaker C: It's a great season to be a grandparent man.
[00:38:09] Speaker B: No. Doesn't come out of my mouth unless they're gonna hurt themselves. I don't tell my grandkids no to anything. I'm like, if I just find out they want something, I'm trying to get it for them. And I got Shannon Rick going, don't do that.
[00:38:22] Speaker C: What are you.
[00:38:22] Speaker B: No. You know, I mean, no.
[00:38:24] Speaker C: Oh, really?
[00:38:25] Speaker B: Well, they come to my house, it's probably gonna be yes. So, you know, so the point I'm making, it's a beautiful.
[00:38:32] Speaker C: It's a different season right now.
[00:38:34] Speaker B: When I was a parent, no was no and yes was yes. And we'd tell our kids when we picked them up at the parents house, their grandparents house, we'd pick. And I'd say, you're in the real world now, kids.
You're in the real world. We're back into the real world. Rules apply now. Right, but that doesn't have to happen. I'm just saying it's a beautiful thing to allow the different seasons of life to influence your relationship in a way.
[00:38:57] Speaker C: And you grow together in that way. Look, there's no perfect relationships.
[00:39:02] Speaker B: There's no Little Houses on the prairie.
It's not going to happen. I saw a sign one time, it said, so it ain't home sweet home. So adjust, adjust.
[00:39:12] Speaker C: And I would say, that's it. Life is a series of adjustments. But you love her and she loves you.
[00:39:20] Speaker B: And you married that girl, and you.
[00:39:21] Speaker C: Marry that boy for a reason. To try to get in touch with that first love that you had with one another and build from there. What a wonderful thing is, if that can happen. Two people that are committed to each other and you go the distance, it's a wonderful thing. And can I tell you this as I stand before you as a widower, it was worth every investment of my time and effort to make it work. Cindy should have kicked me to the curb so many times. We started this church, man, we just put everything we had, our whole saving everything into it and the hope and prayer this thing would work. Some of you started similar to a business where you just go all in.
[00:40:01] Speaker B: I told her one time when the Met was really getting a lot of.
[00:40:04] Speaker C: Traction, we were in, gosh, we were in five services at the old grocery store. We were bumping about 6,000 at that point. And we just knew we had to do something. And I told her, I said, honey, I'd love to see us plant a new church in Denver. You know, it's the metro area of Denver.
[00:40:19] Speaker B: Met Church would work perfect.
[00:40:20] Speaker C: Don't you see that? And she looked at me, she said, honey, if you go start a new church, you're gonna do that with a new wife.
[00:40:29] Speaker B: She said, I got one church in me. I said, okay, thank you, Lord. I received that word.
But I'm just telling you, on this side of it, I miss her every day.
[00:40:39] Speaker C: I miss all that we had. I miss all that we had planned to Do I trust God with it all? But I can tell you it was worth it. It was worth the commitment. It was worth the effort. And so I would just say, man, when it gets hard, stay with it. When it gets tough, stay with it. Go back and look at those pictures of you when you guys were dating. Look at those pictures of you when you were first married.
[00:40:59] Speaker B: Look, if you got a wedding album.
[00:41:01] Speaker C: Go look at that thing and realize, something attracted me to him. Something. Sometimes you gotta go back to that place and start again. Just start over. It's worth it. Cause what's gonna happen, girls, if you.
[00:41:12] Speaker B: Kick him to the curb? You're probably gonna marry another guy. And you know what's gonna happen?
[00:41:16] Speaker C: He's got the same problems as the old guy had.
[00:41:20] Speaker B: The. You know, if the myth of greener.
[00:41:23] Speaker C: Grass is the grass is greener on.
[00:41:25] Speaker B: The other side of the fence, it's.
[00:41:26] Speaker C: Because their septic system's leaking.
[00:41:31] Speaker B: It's not because it's better.
It's just different. It's the same, but different. So if it's possible. Sometimes it's not.
[00:41:39] Speaker C: Some of you guys have gone through.
[00:41:40] Speaker B: The breakup of a relationship, and, you know, one person can't make it work, and you can't.
[00:41:45] Speaker C: But if you're equally committed. I'm just saying, if you're equally committed, it's worth the effort. Make it work. I'm praying you will. Let's pray together.
Father, thank you for your word that never returns. Void and, Father, as we've tried to be practical this morning and talked about the essence and importance of our marriages, I pray, Father, you will strengthen homes and hearts.
Father, I pray for those this morning who are just. Man, they just got just enough rope.
[00:42:12] Speaker B: To tie a knot and hang on.
[00:42:14] Speaker C: The relationship is in trouble today. Maybe they came this morning and maybe your spirit brought them here to give them some encouragement, to give them some hope. And I pray, Father, you'll mend some hearts and that you'll mend some relationships and help us to know, Lord, our marriages didn't get in trouble overnight, and they won't get out of trouble overnight.
It takes a lot of time to rebuild, rebuild some trust and in a relationship, but it's worth the investment.
So, Father, I pray you'll bless the homes and the marriages represented in this room.
[00:42:47] Speaker B: Finally.
[00:42:47] Speaker C: Lord, I pray for those who may not know you as savior, and they're trying to do this thing completely on their own. Father, I pray today they'll look up to you and say, God, I can't do this on my own. I need your strength. I need your presence. I need your power. And I need your forgiveness.
And I pray, Lord, they'll just say a prayer like this as simply as they can and as sincerely as they can and say, Lord Jesus, with everything I know about me, I now trust all that I know about you. Come into my heart. Forgive my sin. I trust you with all that I am. In Jesus name I pray.
[00:43:22] Speaker B: Amen.
[00:43:24] Speaker A: Thank you so much for tuning in today. If you have any questions or prayer requests, please contact us by visiting metchurch.com so that we can follow up with you this week. We look forward to seeing you next week.
